i’m angry. i’m resentful. i don’t know where to begin.

a best friend and i just had a really deep conversation about how private i am about my sex/relationship life. i am unable to allow anyone to get close to me in that way. learning about doctors as a for-profit industry [medical industrial complex] has equipped me with the tools to describe my anger in words.

i am ANGRY that i have never felt ownership of my body in the last 20 years.

i RESENT the fact that the only way i can own my body is to stay away from doctors and people. to stay away and never let anyone near. this has been very detrimental in my physical health and emotional relationships that require physical closeness.

i am forever SCARRED by movies, news stories, authorities, religion, and people who have told me that my existence as a disabled person, a woman of color, as a queer person, as a queer disabled woman of color is reprehensible [to be blamed] and ugly.

i am FRUSTERATED that a life of surgeries, biopsies [tests], physical therapy, and appointments with every specialist has left me feeling like i have lost parts of me for some unknown quest to be normal (that was not even wanted or requested by me).

i can’t believe that all these years later it is leaving such a real big imprint on my life and how i interact with people. i hate this. i hate them. and at this point, i don’t even have the energy to hate right now.

where the hell does this leave me? how do i claim my body as my own? does anyone know?

my blog will be on break until august. silly me has four back-to-back trips/events between now and after ADA Day (july 26.)

wish me luck?
love you all : )

PS. if you are in the DC area and identify as a disabled woman of color, please holler [consciouslycrip [AT] gmail [DOT] com]. a friend and i are starting a video project to record dwoc stories and we’d love to meet with you, get some ideas for our project, possibly interview you…so far we’ve blessed to be meeting up w/ Dread1myn and Day for interviews!

With exception to political/advocacy meetings, an occasional noon movie, and coffee with friends, I don’t go out that much. I’m very much a homebody and I’m comfortable staying in.

Today I went to the movies and was amazed at the crowds. In these crowds I saw young people with amputations, wheelchairs, and other mobility devices again and again. People with physical disabilities were everywhere (I can’t even imagine all the other disabilities people probably had.) At first it didn’t hit me, but after the fourth or fifth crip, I realized these were all soldiers who had come back from Iraq over the last two months.

Growing up as an “army brat”, celebrating July 4th was always a big deal for my community (especially since I lived on this base for 18 years, very rare). During the 4th of July week, everyone wore red, white and blue, soldiers were given a break, and we did fun crafts at school. The week was sealed off with a huge festival with big time country music singers, carnival rides, cotton candy, and the biggest firework display you could ever imagine. The celebration crowd chanted about all the silly leftist anti-war people and talked about how they weren’t supporting the troops. People left energized about winning the “war on terrorism”. People left believing the US was perfect, which eventually led to things like hating immigrants and people who do not “appreciate American generosity” or “use what they’ve been given”.

Most times Halmoni and my mom stay(ed) at home and my family would say jokes like “oh you shouldn’t have a green card if you don’t do fireworks!” Even though I didn’t get why they stayed home before, I’m appreciative for this now. I know my grandma and mom do not stay home for political reasons—more of not connecting with the holiday or feeling like it’s theirs, although my mom is very patriotic— but I’m glad to not be the only one who stays home nowdays.

A brillant friend suggested on her blog that we should transform Independence Day into a holiday that celebrates freedom fighters like Justin Dart, Cesar Chavez, Malcolm X, Dr. King, and the many others. I’m definitely down for this…

i spent tonight writing my first zine and planning out how i am going to print it while being anonymous and needing assistance from a PA in printing it?…and how to make it accessible? and and and… anyways. i wrote this poem for my zine (i’m so freaking energized and inspired from the AMC! can’t wait to tell yall more about this zine and a video project i am planning…)

she takes one step forward
losing footing, another one back
that’s 14 fucking years of physical therapy
in those stupid little backward forward steps

hey girl, stop for a second
stand a moment
shift your weight around a bit
figure out which way you want to go, i’ll hold you

sometimes you have to lean on another person
or sit down
take a rest, it’s okay
the journey can be long for tired feet

remember that the journey can be adapted
changed
altered
a new plan can be created if you let it, one that can be liberating and free

life doesn’t always have to be about moving forward
making connections
achieving big goals, like climbing up those steps
life is standing still and a quest to find balance

maybe I did get something out of PT afterall

twitter is a feature that allows your friends to send updates about themselves to your cell phone if you have text message. i thought this was mostly used for “i just had the most delicious sandwich ever” type messages (who cares?) but it turns out people have been using this as a form of media (i.e. brownfemipower live-blogged from the Allied Media Conference using twitter) or a way to send out action alerts (i.e. violent raids on the border).

you can search for my twitter by typing in cripchick at the top search bar on twitter.com

is anyone else on?

wrote this while sitting at adele’s kitchen table in detroit after the Allied Media Conference. i’ve come to believe that community organizing for me means working with other disabled women of color and leaving the assimilationist [trying to fit into mainstream society] political bullshit behind:

for far too long have i thought
community advancement meant
serving on boards
applying for nonprofit status
developing programs
and listening to white people speak for my experience.

but it is not enough.

for far too long have ignored racism and homophobia
betraying my people and parts of me
so i could call this place
home

but it is not enough
and it will never be enough.

i can no longer be a part of a single-issue movement that carries no understanding of how all oppressions are intertwined (without co-opting them)

i can no longer be a part of a movement that ignores multitudes of people and silences them through invisibility and a one-issue agenda

NO! i can not be a part of a movement that uses my body, my blood, my words without acknowledging where they come from
and who they are for
but instead filters them into a hetero white rich folk framework
everything that i am not and my people are not…

you can no longer quiet me, cut me,
separate me into bite-size pieces
cause yes i am no longer a part of this movement.

…so where is home?

Gaydar—
When does this function begin to work?
Is there a help number
I can call?
Hi, Hello.
Yes, the gaydar you gave me just won’t turn on.
Yes, I read the instructions.
I have my queer proof of purchase right here,
Can I get a replacement?

Is immersing myself in queer culture required to getting this thing up and running?
After my sister graduates, she’s going to my aunt’s place in Seoul
There she’ll learn the gayageum and brush up on her Corean,
Maybe that’s what I need to do?
Assimilate myself in all-queer surroundings
Get the language down right…

If there is a password, just tell me
Maybe I can guess
“loveLorde”?
“heternomativity”?
“ENDAtransexclusiontheHRCdoesntspeakforme”?

Or is it that I’m so used to being stared at,
So used to everyone watching my every move,
That I’ve drowned all you out?
Ah yes maybe I’ve missed step one—

direct your eyes towards the subject.

I’m 48 minutes early but happy birthday Nadia!! I am constantly amazed w/ your raw honesty, your zine, your blog, your activism, and your passion for media justice. Keep doing what you do, Nadia, you are shaping the world into a better place.

And Lex! Happy belated birthday! Your love, your questions, your vision brings a new kind of hope. I am glad to know you and call you my sister.

I love you both and am thankful for, your warmth, your friendship, and everything I’ve learned from you both… Happy birthday! See you in DETROIT! <3

i fell into a numbness
til the only tree i cd see
took me up in her branches
held me in the breeze
made me dawn dew
that chill at daybreak
- ntozake shange, for colored girls…

(okay is that not appropriate for a birthday? hmm. it’s beautiful though and everything yall mean to me *grin*)

from Vox ex Machina:

Fox News “charmingly” chose to refer to Michelle Obama as “Obama’s baby mama.” [Source] Sexist AND racist. Nice job, Fox.

The National Organization of Women, of course, has a blistering rebuttal on their website. Nah, just kidding, they totally don’t. But there are, of course, several pieces about Sen. Clinton’s loss and what it means for women, paycheck discrimination, and “reproductive rights” (although they only seem to deal with the right to birth control/abortion part of that issue). … Come to think on it, NOW didn’t have a response to Imus’ “nappy-headed hos” comment for over a week after it happened. And they’ve never put up a response when someone in the media insinuates that Dr. Rice has her job because she sleeps with the president.

Neither have Gloria Steinem or Rosie O’Donnell. Neither have several other mainstream feminist organizations or magazines — at least on their websites. And very few bloggers have done more than give it a passing mention with more than an ironic comment about how Fox News is stupid, ell oh ell.

So, Linda Hirschman, I don’t think you need to worry about intersectionality “ruining feminism” any time soon. Mainstream feminist organizations still aren’t worried about anything but middle-class white women’s issues.