cripchick’s weblog

I feel special. I’ve never gotten an Easter basket before (parents focus on the meaning of Easter instead of bunnies and Hallmarky stuff) but when we came home from church, there was an Easter basket on the porch with my name on it. And not only was it overflowing with candy and toys, but there were eggs filled with $10 bills, baking supplies, and two bottles of my favorite—way too expensive to buy— Bedhead shampoo and conditioner. My PA/nurse sure knows how to put a basket together!

I was just thinking yesterday how I don’t know how to keep my relationships w/ PA (personal attendants) strictly professional and how sometimes that really screws me over. “Flexibility” essentially means a give and take relationship. For me this has meant that this particular PA has come out all the way to my house just to work for 1 hour or that I am willing to give up some afterschool activities so she can go home early because her husband has just come home from Iraq. Give and take means sometimes sacrificing what you want and I know there are a lot of very smart people who never have to do this because they keep strictly professional relationships for people who work with them. However, I just can’t do it (and am not sure I want to).

Having friendships with your PA also means you’re both more invested in things so feelings naturally DO get hurt. When one of my PAs took another job last year, I was crushed. She was equally hurt when we went to Memphis together this January and I didn’t spend much time with her (I was there to visit friends and didn’t make this clear). Things get sticky and complicated and sometimes ugly. I often feel like I’ve been thrown into this employer/manager position without any training and I admire people who are able to smoothly manage 5-7 PAs at one time. Keeping up with 2 is hard in itself (especially since I’m not “out” to them).

However, it’s times like these—getting an Easter Basket, going to Chuckie Cheese for a kid’s party, or combined family events— that make me appreciate the friendships I have with my PAs and all that they do for me. I sincerely love them.

Anyways, just had to tell someone. : ) Happy Easter to those that celebrate.

^_^

The word idiot makes me uncomfortable in the same way that retard, dumb, and crazy do, but this card from this week’s postsecret collection really spoke to me. It reads: “My pastor always talks about how if people would find God they wouldn’t need pills. I’m bipolar but I took his advice–my pastor is an idiot!”

One of the defining moments in my life was when a particular revivalist was in town and my mom dragged me to go see him. During the service, the congregation got in this mode of deep prayer and speaking in tongues and he asked me to come up. When I went up to the pulpit, he started praying hard and telling me to get out of my wheelchair and walk. Of course I refused— at that point in time I couldn’t stand without support (and who wants to fall on their face in front of the whole church?) I had been getting this for years and normally the pastors back down. This guy didn’t. He yelled at me and told the congregation that I did not walk because I did not have enough faith. From then on, they whispered about me. (more…)

Dave at Chewing the Fat created a list of hopes today. I followed his example, starting off with one he created as it something I hope everyday as well.   

• “I hope I can go the whole day without hearing the word ‘r*tard’ even once.”
• I hope I learn to check if I have all the ingredients before almost completing whatever I am baking.
• I hope one day my family will know that I’m queer and be okay with it.
• I hope another Dem/progressive person will join my poli-sci department so I won’t be the only one in class everyday. This is not Bob Jones University, people.
• I hope I can find some creative outlet this weekend as I feel like I’m going to burst if I don’t paint/draw/write ASAP.
• I hope people will stop thinking I’m a bad person for having different ideas about what our community needs.
• I hope JK Rowling will come out with another Harry Potter book. : )
• I hope my friends who are transitioning, whether it is with a new position, relocation to a whole new world, finding a job, or changes relationship-wise, find the success and happiness they deserve.
• I hope I can find a house of worship where people do not try to heal me or where I have to hide who I am.
• I hope people will think of women like Mariah Lopez and Christe Reimer when they think of feminism and why a fight for rights is necessary and relevant in these days.

It’s the end of so many things… I just finished the seventh installment of Harry Potter (about two weeks too late to be cool.)  I didn’t think I’d get sentimental like other fans but it was a nice ending and I’ll be sad to see the series go. I could use my own Room of Requirement today. : )

School started yesterday, thus ending summer. With exception to the 7 o’clock Karoake hour broadcasted across the entire hotel, I hated to leave the peacefulness of the beach.  It was a spur-of-the-moment all-girls trip and I enjoyed spending time with my aunt before she goes back to Korea this weekend. She’s been practicing writing “Inchon” (the name of the city/airport) over and over and I know she is scared to travel alone since she doesn’t speak English. It seems like a part of me will be disappearing when she leaves (yes Harry Potter analogies seem to always pop up in conversation and writing now); I don’t know when I will see her again since travelling to Korea is so much more difficult now.

I think I’ve kind of “given up” on things in a way, even if it’s just in an academic sense. I decided to not try and graduate a year early afterall and drop my course load from 22 hours to 13. I know reading about how many credits I’m taking isn’t exactly enthralling but I’m just not sure what to do now. Sucking it up is really the only option, I don’t know why I keep dwelling on living here for another year. I still want to pursue the same dreams.

Onto happier thoughts : )